So, everyday at work I usually have about a two hour lull. That means, ii basically don't have shit to do! Which irritates me to no end. I've tried I listen to the radio to pass the time but it actually makes it drag by slower. And then I started thinking. That's right thinking.
I started thinking so that I wouldn't be bored. And hey, it worked!
But sometimes, like tonight for example, I'm thinking about all the wrong things. Things that make me sad, things that make me angry, and things that I have no emotion to whatsoever.
I was thinking of an old friend of mine. I've written about them before on this blog. We're not friends anymore. But for the past six? Seven? Eight? Months they've been on my mind. So I sat here tonight an wondered...why haven't I ever tried to reach out to them? Is it my pride? Is it because it's been so Long there would be nothing to say?
One of my friends says not to talk to them, while another encourages me to do so. My fiancé has threatened to contact them himself if I don't. But I can't bring myself to do it....
And then I think of someone I've tried to accept into my life. One that I've kept my mouth shut about and turned the other cheek multiple times. All to keep the peace. And guess what they did? They through it in my face! Like the one scene in never been kissed when teenager drew Barrymore gets an egg to her face while in her prom dress. And how bad do I want to call this person up and scream? Or go to their door and make a scene? But I don't, I just sit here and think of all the things I want to say to them...
I love you and want you back in my life. Some days even when I have someone to turn to, I want to talk to you. I want you to tell me to man up and that it could be worse.
I want to tell you that, despite the fact that I don't like you, I truly tried. I tried to embrace you even though my heart didn't want to. I gave you chance after chance, but one girl can only take so much for so long...
And in all the irony of these mixed emotions, these two people are actually tangled up of sorts. Theyre different ages, different social groups, completely different lives. But they once knew one another. And one warned me about the other.
Is that you up there, God? Sending me a sign by making me think these thoughts at the same time? Is it coincidence? Why can't you just tell me what to do, what to say? Can't you just make me stopping missing one and stop being hurt and resentful towards the other....
And can you take away this hypnotizing, think-inducing view?
Without the fences and computers, I may actually be content...
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