It's Mythical Reality.

Here, I'll take my feelings and emotions. My dreams and nightmares. Real life, imaginary life, and sleep life. Days in, days out. It may not make sense ,or, may be too simple for appreciation. The beautiful and the horrid, the clean, the nasty. Pointless ramblings and important lessons. This is my life in a never-ending story, documented for all to read.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Roads

When my cousin was 19, I promised her a poem or short story of sorts as a 20th birthday present. (Yes, I prefer home made gifts, though we all know store bought ones are much faster! Haha) So, even though I'm a few years late (whoops) I decided that I should probably just get around to it. So Lyndsay, I wrote this in the form of a shoulder to lean on. I hope it will bring you comfort whenever your stumbling through the journey of life.
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Roads

The best aspect of a road is the adventure or familiarity they can portray
Roads to new lives or new people
A road to one's favorite spot, another that leads to home sweet home
Whether these paths are straight or topsy-turvy
Smooth as ice cold water or pothole boulevard
We travel with the knowing of a pleasant arrival
Using maps for some
Memory for others

But for every rainbow, there is also the storm.
It's how the world was constructed
Even all these roads

Roads on the sides of cliffs
Covered in snow
Plastered in mud
And even though we gotta get to where we gotta go
We're gripping the steering wheel and controlling cartwheels in our stomachs

Then there's the endless ones.
The ones that you drive down for hours and hours
Looking side to side, Driving through towns
Or maybe driving through nothing at all

Just fields upon fields
Nodding off from the dullness of your surroundings
Perhaps stuck with thoughts you've been pushing to the back of your mind
Coaxed out from the lack of stimulation around you

There's the dips you can't see and the weather you can't predict
People walking in and out of view
So you have to keep swerving and swerving
Braking and braking
The urge to pull over and rest
Call someone to drive the rest of way, or just come pick you up.
Maybe the desire to lock the doors and just walk away

All the people you call for help
The ones you just need to hear "It'll be alright, just keep on keepin' on" from
Others who you've called to come fix your car or change a tire
In the end you realize who will go the extra mile for you
And the ones who simply make excuses or ignore the call

With all of these uncertainties and insecurities,
It's a wonder we don't all board up our windows
Sell our cars
Turn in our shoes for slippers
But there's moments that make even the worst roads bearable

Turning the volume up on old-time favorites
Falling asleep in the passenger's seat, the wind teasing your cheeks and the sun keeping you warm
Waking up to nature conditioned hair and a California tan
Classic games like slug bug and I spy,
Kids laughing, pointing out silly stuff they spy outside the window

I spy, I spy
A bright shiny sun on the horizon, as blinding and hot as you like it
Kids sleeping in the backseat
Listening to the songs that have made so many memories for the both of us
Looking out the window, as trees make way for the barren fields of California
Holding the hand of the man you love

I spy, I spy
Rainy weather and a depressed looking sky
Bags of clothes hanging out in duffel bags
Rocking out to ACDC
Drinking cup upon cup of coffee
Leading me to the forested border of  Oregon
Holding tight to thoughts of hugging you.

Sometimes these paths aren't what we've been expecting
The detours are mostly long, the two way streets far and inbetween
But.
No matter the bends or curves
Nights, Days, Bumps, or Dips
I know a road that will always be true
And that's the road between me and you.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Dear New York







 Oh my dear dear New York,

I have been earnestly avoiding this goodbye for months now.  But my stubborn spirit is finally folding.
In less the a month, I should've been walking along your sidewalks, feeling your nastily humid air (lol) and dragging my luggage in your train station. July 4 was supposed to be my ultimate independence day. But alas, life never waits for ones dreams or loves. So I must bid you farewell.
I'll continue to only imagine being far from here, free from these responsibilities but burdened by many others. I wont be able to enjoy your snow-ridden streets, slipping and falling on my ass. Laughing but pissed at the same time. Leaving my loved truck Lucinda behind, trading it instead for the two shoes on my feet. Won't be able to see all the trees that would've surrounded me. The experience of living with a crap load of room mates...or rather dealing with them...is out of reach now.
You, my dear friend, were so close to the grasp of reality. I think after everything I've been through this year: Being let down and letting go. Breaking up and losing. Not being able to fulfill you has been my ultimate source of heartbreak.
People keep telling me I have held false hope in you and all that you have to offer me.. Who knows. I could've moved up there and been miserable. Scraped up the little money I earned to walk the road of shame all the way back to California. Those same people now tell me that I'll have another chance..someday. But these reassurances fall on deaf ears. I needed the new beginning you had to offer me now. And now all that I have given up has been in vain. I have simply been burdened by more.
I hope you and I are able to cross paths one day, my dream is high but my logic is doubtful. If only I could hold the hand of  this which I want so much....but no.
I'll continue to google you and see you on the television. Hear stories of you by word of mouth. Listen to music blaring your name and all the wonderful things you could've offered me. And I'll do all of this from my California room. And soon enough my own place...hopefully.
My heart is where you are, even though I am 3000 miles away.
Your almost lover, Brit.

When It Rains It Pours


Ah, the age old saying. "When It Rains It Pours." Every year of my life that passes, I always say to myself, "Next round will be better." Guess what? It never is. Whenever I get around to that pivotal point again it seems ten times harder then before and I'm left to wonder, am I the only one who feels this way, or does it happen to everyone in this screenplay we write as life?
Starting a couple years back, I realized the pivotal moment of every year would always hit right around June. This is when it first starts warming up (I'm a fall/winter person, so trust me, the California heat is extremely unappreciated! Haha) June just seems like a month that should be labeled "Changes" on a calendar in my mind. It's in the middle of the year, kids get out of school, summer starts....not sure if all this reason is logical or just irrational.
But the ultimate reason is two years ago my beloved Aunt Renee passed away in, yep you guessed it, the month of June. She was like a mother to me, comforting me when I was down and being a trusted adult to confide in. She definitely knew when to whip out a can of whoop ass on me, don't get me wrong haha, but she always had my best interests at heart. She wasn't like a mother to me, she was my mom. And when we lost her it was gut wrenching.
I remember the news of her slowly dying in the hospital very vaguely, but I do remember the last time I saw her. I helped her to eat and she kept saying how much she loved me and what a good girl I was. Even though the words we're never said by anyone in the room, I knew it was all coming to an end. When I walked out that day I said my final goodbye to her.
The funeral was bittersweet. There we're so many young people there, showing that she had not only made me her adopted daughters, but had all of the kids she had always wanted but never been physically able to have. And in the midst of her family and friends, mixed in with all of the teenagers and young adults, all crying out of the loss of her and memories long lost, I also cried. From sadness and happiness.
Sadness from the act of losing her, and happiness that her pain was finally gone. She was far to great of a person to be in such pain all the time...
For months and months I refused to let go, but put on the appearance that I had. Inside I was selfish, asking whatever God exists why he had to take her, why he couldn't of taken someone less deserving. I cursed the doctors and hospitals that couldn't help her in the end. Resented all of the people who were at her funeral with bleeding hearts, but had never been there for her before. I was among the few people who stayed up late massaging her pain stricken feet, or talking on the phone with her when there was no one else around. Many people did these things too, but not everyone. I thought of them as hypocrites, undeserving of any types of memories of her.
Slowly but surely, the immaturity and sadness melted away, and what resulted was the realization that being bitter towards unpreventable events was simply too tiring. She would never want me to be around lollygagging and constantly thinking about her being around. She'd want me to live as best I possibly could.
One day I simply decided I'd only think of her in happiness. Of all the wonderful times we spent together and all the unforgettable memories we made together. All the lessons and love she has given me over the years will be forever etched into my soul, and her spirit will always be alive inside my heart.
With all this said, this previous year has come and gone roughly. I've had to give up so much in return for what seems like very little. I value the good things in life (or try to at least). But June is always the hardest. I will always see it as a time to look back at the year and see exactly what I have done. I look back at this year and decide that I've pretty much just screwed up haha. But it's okay, because if Nay Nay was here she'd probably be stressed as hell, but we'd end up laughing at the irony of everything that's happening. She always knew how to lighten the mood.
So to my darling aunt, I miss you so. And this is the month you bid us goodbye some time ago, and though it has brought me down in the past, I'll try my very hardest to make this month like any other. In your memory. Perhaps try to make it even happier. Whenever I begin to feel my hope fall, I will think of the inside jokes we shared. Your inspiring smile and gentle pats on my back, telling me, "sis, everything will be alright." I'll hold close the cousin you have given me, that I see as a brother and I know will always be there for me. As I with him. I find solace in the beautiful reality that you have left me with such a great friend, and through that great friend I have gained such inspiration in the form of a baby. I'll never give up on them. Because I know you never would. I always just try to do what I think you would've wanted.
So though it tugs at my heart strings, I have to continue to keep letting you go. You'll never completely slip away, but sometimes thoughts of you weigh heavy on my heart. I can never move on if I can't learn to see you as a string of memories. You are no longer my aunt, but the spirit who watches over me. And i love you.

Giving In

Ok, yall. I'm a writer myself, hence my passion is putting my life,stories, and emotions down on paper (or rather screen haha!) and sharing it with whoever may be reading it (is anybody out there?)
Above all things I love when other people write, and I thoroughly encourage anyone and everyone to do so. For the first time on Hunting Hobbits, I'm displaying someone else's work. I'd like to note that in no way did I alter or edit his writing. If you'd like to get a piece of art out there, but either lack the time or just don't want to do this type of thing everyday, send me a message and I'll be happy to post it on here. Art is good for the soul, and if I can lift your soul, I'm all for it =)
I can be reached here http://www.facebook.com/HuntingHobbits via message. Feel free to send any work you have there =) (Visual and musical art is welcome as well.)
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Disclaimer: This work is in genre called non-fiction. Names have been changed and some parts of the event have been exaggerated for the sake of emphasis. But the gist of the story is true. It did happen. To me. Word for word. So enjoy. A part of my life.
P.S. Thanks to Brittany Lyle for letting me post this on her blog :) 


We all do things that we regret, whether that is stealing candy from a store or lying to your parents so you can get out of trouble. I’ve done those before, countless times. It’s whether you learn from them or not that counts. My dad always told me that. The consequence has to outweigh the behavior. That’s what he drilled into my brain every time I do something that I’ll regret later on. There is one thing that in my whole entire life that I regretted. I regret it to this day and I wished I never did it. I gave in to peer pressure.
There’s just something about this topic that gets people riled up. Maybe it’s the fact that everyone went through this at least once in their lifetime. High school seems to be the most discussed place as to where it happens. With all the cliques and groups scattered throughout this taste of the real world, it only feels natural that we get the urge to somehow please our peers whenever we walk through the worn-down walkways of our own high school. Each clique has different images to maintain; they also have different agendas.
The real world works the same. Day in and day out, we make decisions based on the beaten path. Pressure from friends force you to take on habits you know you’ll regret later in life. Pressure from colleagues force you to take actions that you know will have a serious consequence on your future. Yet, you still do it. Why?
It could be the feeling of being part of something. I was part of a rebellious group in high school. Every day before school we held fights in the back of the church as an initiation rite. I was supposed to fight someone from school and beat the hell out of that person. The problem was that I was supposed to fight someone who I considered a friend. Because of my inside connections with the leader of the group, I was able to choose who I would fight. I picked the person who I felt was a complete coward.
It was a bright sunny day. The wind whispered sweet nothings to the trees and the trees responded back with the same whispers. Through the dust-covered hallway, I saw my friend, Francis, drink out of the porcelain water fountain. He was unaware of what would happen to him five minutes from the time the water hit his throat. I felt sorry for the guy. He wore his favorite shirt, a bright yellow tee with a sideways smiley-face referencing an emoticon. One of the guys shoved me from behind, forcing me to walk slowly towards my future opponent. When Francis stood up to look at me, there was a shiny face of optimism genuinely beaming. It almost broke my heart to do this, but I knew I had to do it, for my sake.
“Hey, Robin! What’s up?”
With an internal breath of air, I gave him my fiercest stare and roughly grabbed the cuffs of his shirt. “Fucking dipshit. Just shut the fuck up and listen to what I goddamn say. You; Me; Today; after school; back of the fucking church. ” his eyes widened frighteningly at those words, “you’re gonna get your fucking ass handed to you backwards!” I pushed him roughly towards the brick wall of the hallway, and at that moment, the other guys circled around us. They all snickered cruelly, pushing Francis around like a sack of potatoes. I fed to this whole frenzy like a monkey in a riled-up zoo.
For a moment though, as I watched my friend get tossed around like a salad, my heart felt like a hook tugged on its innards and it was trying to pull itself away from me, as if to trying to disassociate itself with my body. My throat constricted in the way that it does when I witness heartbreaking scene. As of that moment, I was aware of what I was actually doing, but I didn’t care. I was in this situation deep enough that I couldn’t back out of it. Pushing my way through my cohorts, I went straight to Francis and spoke to him in an authoritative and bullying manner, “Remember. Fucker. If you don’t show up there, don’t bother going to school.” With that statement, I walked away from the situation, leaving Francis at the hands of the other guys. I knew I wasn’t doing the right thing. Yet, I still did it. Why? I wanted to feel like I belonged.
But it’s not just that. It wasn’t just the accomplishment. It wasn’t just the feeling of belonging. These guys had something special that I didn’t have. They had something that would explain why they got the girls, the respect, and the It factor. They were also willing to let me be a part of it as long as I did what they told me to do.
As the day slowly went by, it started to rain. Before the bell rang for the end of class, I walked outside and stood in the middle of a grassy patch. Big globs of teardrops from the clouds fell upon my stressed face, cascading down my body into the cut grass of the school grounds. I closed my eyes for a brief moment to engulf myself with the sensory relief the wet rain offered: The temporary lift the cold water gave me as it ran down my back; the fresh breeze of wet wind hitting my face giving off a sense of detachment from the worries of life; the rhythmic plip-plop of the teardrops hitting the ground with the purpose that Mother Nature gave them; the soft tingle that made my hair stand on ends as the chill enveloped me with its cold and comforting embraced; ¬I felt it all.
I knew this moment of respite was short-lived, because then my peers pulled me out of school and onto the weedy ruins of an old church. It is said that a church is a symbol for sanctuary and protection for people in need of it. With all its meaning, this church, for that time, was considered a location for fights. It had an old rotten feeling about it. Thick iron spikes poked out of its walls in a kind of warning for those who go near it. Every single one of the frosted glasses that emblazoned different figures were either smashed by rocks or vandalized with graffiti. The worn-out paint slowly peeled out to reveal damp red bricks that made the foundation of this church. Once poised to be one of the few elegant churches in the neighborhood, it was left abandoned by the government that failed to give it an appropriate amount of funding.
With its neglected atmosphere, it was a perfect place to set up fights. By the time I arrived at the place, there were already other students sitting up at the rusty railings by the church. Others were occupied with setting places for which they can view the fight in a comfortable place. The people around pumped me up, in their own way. One of them mocked my ego and my manhood in a way that was supposed to make me so mad that I would hit someone. Another one continuously reminded me that if I happened to punk out of this fight, I would forever be considered as the lowest of the low at school.
A loud noise emanated from the front of the church and seconds after, out came Francis being pulled by two guys. His eyes were etched in fear as he tried to release himself from the vice-like grip the two guys had on him. As he was shoved into the middle of the area, shouts from the surrounding students grew louder and louder. It felt like I was in a coliseum, the emperor judging me from a throne hundreds of feet above ground. Francis and I were two gladiators, fighting for something that wasn’t worth a damn.
What happened next was a blur of events. I couldn’t remember what happened during the fight. There were lots of red, presumably blood. I didn’t feel anything, just an acute feeling of hesitation and repulsion over my actions. Maybe it’s because I tried hard all these years to forget about that memory. That sickening memory where I laid down my fists upon a reluctant and former friend, stuck with me to this day yet I couldn’t even vividly recreate the events in my head.
They say that a person cannot remember all the details of a fight that he or she got involved in. Adrenaline does that to you. The adrenaline level in a person obviously heightens in a stressful situation. You get tunnel vision, which means that your vision gets much focused. Your hearing gets worse, which could explain the blurriness of sounds that surrounded me that time. Your breathing goes faster, which means that blood pumps through your head faster. Your brain goes to overdrive and works twice as hard as it should be. This could be why I couldn’t the details vividly as I wished. You’re hands and legs get shaky from the blood overdrive. I probably tried to shake off the feeling by forming my fingers to fists and pounding the living crap out of my friend.
There was one thing that I remembered excruciatingly clear throughout the fight. Blood. Lots of it. The next thing I noticed was silence. It was a scary silence, followed by a repeated series of heavings that emanated from my chest. I looked down upon Francis to find him a bloody mess.
His face was blotched with cuts and bruises that was a result from repeated beatings with my fists. The favorite shirt that featured the smiley-face was completely ripped, leaving shreds of fabric all over the floor along with splashes of blood. The chest featured purple bruises and wounds that introduced more blood to the outside world. He was a defeated man, but did he ever really put up a fight?
Ashamed of my own actions, I looked away from the beaten guy and stared down the leader of the group, giving him the message I did it. With the demeanor of a man who had no respect for himself, I walked away from the place. I kept thinking about everything that happened as I walked past concrete rows of houses on my way home. The rain still kept on pouring, producing big brown puddles that overflowed to the drainage pipes. As drips of liquid fell down from above, I looked up at the sky, dark and foreboding and wondered to myself, was it worth it?
Those four words clunked inside my head as I went inside my home, ventured to my dark, littered room and laid down on the dirty, stained bed. This whole series of events changed my perspective in life. I was no longer the guy who would do anything to belong. There was no longer innocence in my heart, nor gullibility towards the world. I did an act to impress my fellow peers, yet at what cost? I lost the genuine friendship of a fellow companion and threw away whatever self-esteem I had in me went out the door. This happened 5 years ago.
Now that I sit here, in my coffee-stained desk with my oversized mug writing about this story that emanated from deep inside me, I still think about the repercussions that followed on that day. As it turned out, my former friend never told anyone about the fight. However, our friendship never got repaired and everyone who saw the fight picked on him until he had to transfer to another school. I never returned to the gang. I never hung out with anyone else. Instead, I stayed a loner through the rest of that year, just cruising by on my classes and not bothering anyone. I didn’t get picked on because they saw what I did to Francis back at the church. When the school year ended, I transferred out of school and moved to the United States.
My past could have been a whole different story if it wasn’t for that event. I kept thinking to myself, Why did I do it? I was being dumb. Peer pressure got to me. My behavior brought a serious consequence which came in the form of my past haunting me. It was a punishment that marked me, but was it harsh enough. The only thing that still comes up to my mind was, if presented with a similar situation, wondering if I would still make the same decision. Probably not. But really, in a world where everything happens with influence and connections, anything can happen.

Well sh*t, a little late, but this was written by Robin Letim. I thought I had seen him address himself, but I suppose not. Sorry!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Life is a Chess Board

People never make moves deemed unacceptable or against the rules.
And the ones who do get punished for it, ordered to "shape their lives up."
Each day is exactly the same, moving from space to space
Black white, black white, black white.

One dreams of a life with no limits
An existence without legalities or consequences
A world where people are who they want to be and do what they want
Void of criticism and cynics

We're all wrapped up in our safety nets.
Afraid to jump, scared of what may be waiting at the bottom of this mountain
What you don't realize:
You're safety nets are useless, for most of us have prior obligations

These are the obligations that tie and gag us
So that we have no where to go, no way to speak
And when we finally cut that rope from our limbs, and rip the cloth from our mouths.
We remain with those obligations, for that is all we've ever known.

Either out of naivety or love, we are all held back from our true and utter dreams.
And over and over you ask yourself why and how?
It's time to stop asking questions
Face the truth.

I am but a pawn to everyone, in this chess board of life
Day to day is another movie, pawn to here, pawn to there
I'm just waiting for the players to realize I'm more then an empty object
And there isn't eight of me. Only one.

The Ultimate Apocalypse

*Please keep in mind that this is a dream, so not everything may make sense. And I'd also like to say I don't add on details to my dreams to make them more interesting. This is what I saw and how I remember. What I don't remember, I skip over =)*
The dream began very foggy, I don't really remember it to well. What I do remember, was I was an actress in a low-budget zombie flick. I'm actually pretty sure I was an extra to get specific. All I really recall in about the movie is we were trying to get from California to Vermont. After filming was came to a close, a reporter came to interview all of the actors. I know that I went and sat next to the reporter, and he started to ask me questions about the movie. But his voice and mine went mute. I could see that he was talking, and I could feel myself responding, but I couldn't hear what was being said.
As I left the set, I noticed that there was nobody around. Absentmindedly, I walked to my car and started to drive home I'm guessing. The whole way through town (which I didn't recognize the town either. It wasn't the one that I live in currently.) there were no people on the streets. It was completely barren. The sun was setting, and the street lamps were beginning to go on. Suspecting something fishy, I pulled into my driveway and decided to park my car inside my garage. 'I rarely do this,' I thought in my dream, but for some reason I believed I had to.
I pulled in and turned off the ignition, closing the garage door behind me. I got out of my car and that's when I heard a huge "Thud!" against the concrete outside my home. I ran into the house and locked the door behind me. I sprinted into my dining room where I threw back the thick maroon curtains and felt my jaw drop as I witnessed the chaos that was unfolding before me.
Only minutes before I had been riddled with paranoia from the lack of people on the streets, but now the asphalt was covered with them. Although there was definitely two types of peoples out there, it didn't really hit me at first what Group B was.
I could tell that Group A was definitely running and/or trying to hide from Group B, but it was hard to tell since they were all interwoven amongst each other. In my mind, I was trying to decide what they were exactly. Group A was obviously normal like me, seeing as they were screaming unnecessarily and tripping over themselves over and over again.
But what was Group B? Super humans? I watched them closely. They were fast, and abnormally strong. Even a woman from Group B could send a grown man flying across a front lawn. I could also see that they were talking to each other, point in various directions, then following suit to instructions given to them by whoever appeared to be stronger within the various "gangs."
One looked towards my window, and I dropped to the ground simultaneously. I knew they had seen me, gawking with the "deer-in-the-headlights" sorta look. But still in the back of my mind I reassured myself.
Nope, within seconds I could hear two outside my window.
"Should we break it?" one of them asked.
The other replied "No, we need to sneak in and take her by surprise. You know the brains are ruined when adrenaline courses through their bodies."
There language came out muffled and drawn out, like they had trouble putting the words together into sentences, and furthermore pronouncing those words...like their own brains had a hard time comprehending things.
I waited until their heavy footsteps faded away, then jumped to my feet. I grabbed my car keys off the dining room table, then thought better of it. I doubted my little car would be able to make it through the horde of whatever it was that was waiting outside for adrenaline-free brains.That's when it hit me.
They were zombies! But not the slow stupid ones someone would see in a corny movie. Or even the fast stupid ones shown in corny movies. These were SMART, fast, strong, hardly recognizable zombies. And two were planning on "sneaking up" on me.
Panicking, I shoved my cars keys into my pocket for later, and looked around the room quickly. Straight ahead of me was the living room, and off to the left was what looked like a bedroom.
(Now, what's ironic is in real-life, I'm a naturally paranoid person. Always afraid of someone perhaps breaking in and attacking me, or something else that's equally irrational. I guess dream-brit and real-brit are awfully alike.)
I ran into my bedroom and flew under the bed, where I grabbed an axe that was wedged underneath the carpet. Quietly saying "I told you so!" to all the people who use to tease me about such things, I ran back into the living room. There was a fire place to one side, and i crawled inside of it. Looking back on dream-brit now, I would've called her extremely stupid. that isn't the best hiding place. Seeing as there's, I don't know, nothing to block their line of sight!
But there I was, crouched in the fire place, waiting for abnormal zombies to come and capture me. I heard their groaning first, groans of hunger and lust. I put my hand over my mouth to stifle my breathing, praying to whatever god that they didn't have super hearing along with everything else. Then I did the stupidest thing imaginable. I closed my eyes.
There, in the worst hiding place possible, besides maybe the top of the dining room table or sitting on the couch watching tv, I closed my eyes and covered my mouth. So that I couldn't see if anything was right in front of me or not.
But my instincts kicked in I suppose, because right when the first one was in front of me, I instantly swung the axe out, catching the zombie right under the knees. I opened my eyes to see him fall to the ground, cursing at his unlucky predicament. I swung the axe downward into his skull, closing my eyes and mouth tightly. I had seen enough zombie movies to know not to get zombie fluids in ANY body orifice. Haha.
I saw the other zombie in my bedroom. He had heard the commotion and was coming out towards us. His dead comrade laid on the floor, and the zombie looked at me. My heart was pounding and blood was rushing to my face. The brain drenched axe was clenched between both my hands and my mind was racing. In that moment I decided I'd rather take my chances with the horde outside, instead of go up against this pissed off revenge seeking zombie in my house.
There was no way in getting past this zombie though. My axe would be useless against him. In a last effort to save my own life, I dropped down as if to kneel to him, but instead immersed my hands into the brains and guts of his undead dead friend. That's when I started rubbing him all over my face.
I moved from my face to my arms, then up to around my neck, choking myself in the stench and immorality of it all. I rubbed it down the front of my shirt and up and down my thighs, brushed it through my hair as if it was any normal day. Either out of confusion or disgust, the other zombie broke my front window and jumped out. In my mind I couldn't believe that it had worked, but instead of sitting their in disbelief, I rushed to the garage and got into my car. Locked the doors and then pressed the button for the garage to open. Zombies surrounded my car, trying to open the doors and break the front windshield....(this is where the dream gets very foggy)....
In the next part of my dream I was in a Dennys. The tables and chairs along side the walls. The windows were boarded up with the material which makes the bar and the cupboards. I looked around to see what was going on, and I realized I wasn't alone. Sleeping under one of the tables was a woman that had also been in the same zombie movie as me. I sat there for what seemed like days, drifting in and out of consciousness, and starving. She finally woke up and came over to where I sat.
"Today, we have to eat. I know you don't like doing this, but we have to do what we have to do to survive."
I merely nodded, not knowing what I was agreeing too.
She took down one of the boards from the door and peeked outside.
"There's a shit load of zombies out there, but I see one survivor. She's hiding in your car, I don't know why they always do that."
She began to scream out the window, begging the woman to make a wild dash to safety, and she did. The survivor climbed through the window and my stomach growled. And all I could think about was how hungry I was...how very hungry I was.
The other actress boarded the window back up, and introduced herself to the woman. The woman said she had become separated from her husband and children some weeks back, and just needed a place to lay her head for a few days to rest. She was low on strength and hope. My mouth started to water. Her name was Annie.
I tackled Annie to the floor, my fellow actress walking slowly to look down upon us.
"Today, we thank the Lord for this meal. All will be forgiven for he knows we do this to live on."
With my friend done with her little prayer, I took a switchblade out of my pocket and slit the woman's neck, leaning down to lap up some of the blood as it came gushing out.
We cut her up into pieces, some larger then others, then we threw diced up meat into a pot of water and began to boil her up. We poured Annie Soup into a bowl and sat on the floor. We took turns drinking from it, enjoying every morsel. And I could've sworn we were the best of friends, gossiping about bullshit and drinking hot chocolate while the world went on outside.
The dream went hazy again..but I know we lived months, maybe even years in that Dennys, luring innocent survivors into our cannibalistic lair. I do remember thinking that we were worse then the zombies though....
For some reason we decided to leave Dennys, I can't remember if we decided to part ways or if we were forcibly separated, but suddenly I was with a big group of about ten people. We were walking up a hill, along a gravel path, in the middle of a forest.  There was a huge blue house in the distance. It was at least six feet off the ground, with a huge wrap around porch and huge windows. And none of them had glass panes in them, just screens. As we approached the house, we looked to the right and a ways down, there was a street with houses and businesses along it. It was basically a town in the woods.
My friends walked up the steps and into the house, but for some reason I inched forward. A part of me felt uneasy about this house, although I was well aware it was more dangerous to stay outside...and that's when I heard the screams.
I looked through the screens and saw a couple of my friends being tied down to pillars that were inside the house. There were three people surrounding them, holding buther knives and acid in their hands....
Slowly, they began torturing my friends, a wild look in their eyes. They laughed when they'd cry out in pain. They started to beg for their lives, then slowly they pleaded for death. I was horrified. In the midst of zombies and cannibalism, there were now people surfacing that got off on torturing the few non-zombies left in the world. I asked myself if this was a one-time occurrence, of if I'd see this again.
I ran down the steps and dove into the bushes. Suddenly, I tried to stay very quiet. (Keep in mind this is a dream lol) I remembered that there were werewolves in the woods surrounding this little town, so I tried to be silent. My hands started to shake out of fear of what would get me first: the psychopaths, the zombies, or the werewolves. That's when my foot slipped from under me...a rock scuttled along the ground. A howling echoed through the tiny town. More howling followed, ricocheting among the houses and street lights, between the streets and into and out of my nerves. I screamed for the first time in my nightmare and went back up the stairs. I ran past my barely-alive mutilated friends and into a bedroom.
I was amazed to see the rest of my friends just laying on the bed trying to rest! I merely stood there waiting for what was to come, not know whether I should get out of the house or remain. All of a sudden, zombies came through the door, my friends on the bed freaked out but they were at a point of weakness, caught between slumber and shock.
Not me. I kicked out a screen with one shove of my foot and jumped the six feet to the hard dirt ground. Instead of breaking my ankle or something, which is what would logically happen, I landed on my feet like a cat, then proceeded to run up a huge hill. When I got to the top, I saw a truck resembling the one I have in "real-life." Except it had a backseat. The streets and sidewalks were lined with regular people. They were all trying to hitchhike out of this middle-of-the-woods town.
The man who was driving the lucinda (my truck)-look-alike was also recognizable. It was the redneck guy who had directed the zombie movie. He was holding the hand of a young girl, perhaps 16, and was telling her to get in the passenger seat. I got into the back seat, and a mean slid in beside me. I'll furthermore refer to this man as "the husband." He was trying to convince his wife to take the remaining seat in the truck. She was lollygagging around with a bunch of kids.
They weren't zombies but they didn't really look right either. They look sorta blank, nothing behind their eyes. When the redneck director began to drive off, the wife hopped in with the husband and we were off.
We drove for days and nights....then more days and nights. The director said we were going to Vermont, and asked if I was okay with that. "Why wouldn't I be? Of course I am!"
In reality I wasn't, but I didn't want to be ditched on the side of the road.
We ended up at a hotel. It was in the shape of a semicircle, with all of the rooms in the open air. There was two stories and only one set of stairs, on the left side of structure coming out onto the street. A pool was in the middle of the semi-circle, illuminated by a spotlight. This was the only source of light in a pretty large radius.
We walked onto the premises and I looked back. Across the streets were rows and rows of fruit trees, and no buildings anywhere in sight on either side...I thought to myself, 'This could be a good thing, or a very bad thing.'
As the rest of the van's occupants went up the stairs, I decided to explore. I walked past the pool to a little lobby area, also in the open air. I came upon an old man shoving an old woman's body under the vending machine. He then proceeded to stuff a dead pug into the little opening slot of the vending machine. There was blood and trash bags everywhere. However, I didn't feel threatened by the man. Instead, I felt like I need to cover up his mistake some how so no one could find out. How odd...
Suddenly, my fellow actress from Dennys was behind me, asking if I wanted to eat with her. I wasn't hungry, but I agreed to keep her company. We sat down a little white table with stools. She ate strawberry icecream and flipped her auburn hair back and forth. I sat there and enjoyed the absurdity of this all. A pug and owner stuffed in a vending machine, a forest town riddled with werewolves, the undead walking the world, and here I was, sitting with a co-worker while she munched down on ice-cream.
She brought up the interviews we did after the movie was filmed. "The article said, if it had been a real life situation, you wouldn't have gone to Vermont."
I looked at her dumbly and said I really did want to go, that I never thought something like this would happen. Even though deep down I wanted to stay in California. Or anywhere but Vermont.
She simply looked at me and said "How do you expect us to ever trust you now," and walked away.
A few minutes later she returned with the redneck director. He had a long rope in his hands. He yelled that he had read the article of our interviews, and how he could never ever trust me again. He dragged me into the street, with the woman I thought was my friend tagging along like his little dog. The director bound my hands together so I couldn't fight back, and pulled me by the arms, leaving me to kick my legs along the way. He began to bring me up the stairs. The husband suddenly appeared and grabbed my legs to make the process of carrying me easier.
That's when "me" became two me's. Somehow, I separated from myself. But it wasn't an out of body experience. It was as if I had a double. Exactly as if there we're two brits on the same premisses. One was being taken up the stairs to be tortured, and the other was standing awe-struck at the bottom of the stairs.
Out of nowhere the pug-stuff came from around the corner. One of his legs was cut off and half his face was hanging from his skull. He began to go up the stairs in an attempt to help Brit 1. He had a long and heavy chain around his neck. When he reached the four of us, the husband turned around, grabbed the chain, and kicked him in the face. The old man fell down the stairs; his blood, guts, and face splattering on every step. The three of them proceeded to take Brit 1 upstairs somewhere. Then, an old woman and her dog walked down the steps. "My oh my, what is all this gunk on the stairs!?" I realized that it was the same lady and dog the old man had killed. But how could they be walking around? (I never had this question answered.)
I ran past the pool (this is Brit 2). I'm not really sure what I was doing, freaking out I'm guessing. I had just seen dead people walking and now there was two me's in the world. And this dead person wasn't a zombie, she was just very alive. Suddenly I heard the discombobulated voices of zombies. The virus had spread.
I made a mad dash towards the stairs. All the zombies were naked old people! I look back now and find this funny, but in the moment it was extremely creepy. To see old people moving that fast and being that strong, and being naked just made the whole scene appear extremely animalistic.
I looked in each room jiggling the door knob. All the curtains to everyone's rooms were opened, and they were completely oblivious to what was happening. I also noted that these were one bedroom studio apartments and not hotel rooms.
All of the rooms were open to the air, and then suddenly the hallway got very narrow and there were walls on both sides. The first door was where they were torturing Brit 1. I'm not sure how I knew this, since it was silent, but I knew I was in there. A little farther down on the left, there was a nook in the wall with a door that was slightly open. I ran in and shut it softly behind me. There were three girls in the room, two on the bed watching t.v. and one in a desk chair on speaker phone. They looked at me and I merely put my finger to my lips, as if to say don't make a sound. I locked the door behind me.
They didn't quiet down, but they didn't acknowledge that I was there either. I figured that was even better. If they had gotten too quiet, the people torturing me in the next room may have gotten suspicious.
The girl on the phone (they were young teenangers) said into the mic "Okay, now you have to guess what we are looking at!!"
Suddenly the voice on the other end spoke slowly and in broken words. Groaning slowly followed. Their friend was a zombie. I wasn't very worried, considering they were on the phone, the other girl was in another room.
The speaker phone girl said again into the mic "Helloooooo you have to guess! Quit being stupid!"
Out of the other end you hear "Iiiihhhh seeehhhh yoyuuhhhhh."
From the other side of the room, a creeeekkkk rattled through the room. The closet door inched open and a foot appeared to be coming out. The girl's friend was hiding in the closet.
Seeing it becoming a bloodfest in a hurry, I ran out the room and took a right, further into the narrow hallway. The only door that was unlocked was one glowing white. It had a bright light, and white sheets. White carpets, white walls, a white dress, a white bed....even a big bolt and chain lock on the floor. But I continued past it. For some reason I knew I couldn't go in that room, so I simply ignored it.
The hallway ended and turned into a small house. On the left was a room that was only covered in a blue curtain, no door.
Silently, I reminded myself that was my dead son's room. They would expect me to hide in there.
When I whipped around....I was back in the werewolf woods house. I saw Brit 1 standing by the window looking at her friends in confusion. I stood there as Brit 2, yelling at them to leave because zombies were about to come in. Right as I said that, they did.
Again, my friends looked dumfounded and caught off guard. I saw Brit 1 kick out the screen and leap out the window. One of the zombies turned to me and asked "You know what's worse then dying?"
I looked at him dumbly, not knowing how to respond.
"Dying over. And over. And over again."
That is when Brit 1 reached the ground below. I leaned out the window to see a group of zombies waiting for her at the bottom, as if they knew she'd be coming. Right before her feet collided with the ground, they caught her, so that she met the ground as a cat would....
And then, I woke up.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Murder In a Small Package (Dream)

The beginning is very foggy, and to the point I remember was pretty much towards the end.
I was in a huge summer house, the traditional two story country home, with bay windows and trees surrounding it. It was over looking a huge lake, which the backyard was completely open to, absent of any type of fence or boundaries. There were chairs spread out along the porches and back yard, adults relaxing and talking amongst each other,while the children ran around in swimsuits. Screaming at each other and jumping into the lake happily.
I opened the backdoor to go inside. There was black and white tiles in the kitchen, along with a country-style island and pots upon the six burner stove. A maid was in the kitchen, stirring the pots randomly and cutting up pieces of fruits and vegetables. She said a friendly "Hello!" as I walked into the den area.
To my left there was a short hallway, with a door at the exact opposite end where I was looking, and two doors on the left hand side. No idea if there were doors on the right side, for my sight was blocked and my eyes were drawn to something else. There was blood smeared along the floor.
My eyes trailed along this stream, and there I saw a set of legs. When I looked up, I saw a little boy, maybe all of 7 or 8, dragging a grown woman across the floor. Whether he was hiding her or what I have no idea, but he was dragging her to the second door on the left. The maid never noticed anything, and neither did the man who was sitting on the couch.
I watched the legs disappear into the room, than randomly decided to take a shower. (This is a dream after all, not everything can make sense! lol)
Going into the bathroom, which was down the right hallway, first door on the right, I slipped out of my clothes and into a towel. I opened the door and looked back out. I looked to the right, and saw the stairs to the second story at the end of the hallway, as well as multiple doors lining the walls.
With a look to the left, I saw the little boy, red-haired and blood stained, holding the maid's hand and taking her into the first bedroom on the left. The look on his face was not one of innocence or murder, but rather one of seduction. I stood there disgusted at this fact. The murder I had seen him commit fleeted from my mind, and only the thought of this young woman falling for a child's sexual pleas filled my thoughts.
The man arose from the couch and went to walk into the kitchen, still oblivious to everything that had happened. I called to him, not knowing his name, just knowing that he should come into the bathroom with me so this little boy couldn't hurt him too. And suddenly, a wave of realization rushed over me. I knew that this little boy had killed many many people, yet he blended into a crowd unnoticed. When he murdered, I was the only one who could see.
I can't remember, or rather, my dream self couldn't remember, if I had told people before and they just hadn't believed me, or if there was a reason I was keeping it to myself. Like it was a secret I was supposed to keep.
All of these thoughts crossed my mind in a matter of seconds, and the man responded with a little shake of the head, as in 'no, I wont come in there'.
But now I wasn't worried about the man, I was just scared for myself. So I closed and locked the door, turned on the hot water, and climbed into the shower. The sound of the water hitting the shower floor muffled the screams that kept getting louder and louder. But nothing could muffle the snap of the door lock as it was broken, or the creek of the door as it was was opened. Squinting through the steam the shower created, I saw a little hand grasp the shower curtain, preparing to pull it back. I grabbed an old-fashioned razor off the top shelf of the shower. And as the curtain was flung back, and the pale-faced bloody boy went to grab my hand...
I woke up.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Dozing Off

Can't sleep.
One way friendships and lost relationships
Guilt ridden choices
Dreams tossed aside and promises broken
Never agains happening again and again
Forever's ending far too early
Tossing and turning, going in circles and circles
Songs playing
Over, over, over
To the point where hearts are popping, eardrums breaking
Mind confused and emotions reduced
Ones that have been loved buried in the ground
Enemies gazing down
Writers just blabbering, Illustrators just scribbling
Educators not teaching and presidents not leading
Rock solids falling through
False lies ending up true
Changes not completed, Stuck in habit
In the rotation of what's expected.

Hope is gone in the form of disappointment.
And out of all the things I've been robbed of, and all of those I've gained.
I dream of sleep the most.