When It Rains It Pours

Ah, the age old saying. "When It Rains It Pours." Every year of my life that passes, I always say to myself, "Next round will be better." Guess what? It never is. Whenever I get around to that pivotal point again it seems ten times harder then before and I'm left to wonder, am I the only one who feels this way, or does it happen to everyone in this screenplay we write as life?
Starting a couple years back, I realized the pivotal moment of every year would always hit right around June. This is when it first starts warming up (I'm a fall/winter person, so trust me, the California heat is extremely unappreciated! Haha) June just seems like a month that should be labeled "Changes" on a calendar in my mind. It's in the middle of the year, kids get out of school, summer starts....not sure if all this reason is logical or just irrational.
But the ultimate reason is two years ago my beloved Aunt Renee passed away in, yep you guessed it, the month of June. She was like a mother to me, comforting me when I was down and being a trusted adult to confide in. She definitely knew when to whip out a can of whoop ass on me, don't get me wrong haha, but she always had my best interests at heart. She wasn't like a mother to me, she was my mom. And when we lost her it was gut wrenching.
I remember the news of her slowly dying in the hospital very vaguely, but I do remember the last time I saw her. I helped her to eat and she kept saying how much she loved me and what a good girl I was. Even though the words we're never said by anyone in the room, I knew it was all coming to an end. When I walked out that day I said my final goodbye to her.
The funeral was bittersweet. There we're so many young people there, showing that she had not only made me her adopted daughters, but had all of the kids she had always wanted but never been physically able to have. And in the midst of her family and friends, mixed in with all of the teenagers and young adults, all crying out of the loss of her and memories long lost, I also cried. From sadness and happiness.
Sadness from the act of losing her, and happiness that her pain was finally gone. She was far to great of a person to be in such pain all the time...
For months and months I refused to let go, but put on the appearance that I had. Inside I was selfish, asking whatever God exists why he had to take her, why he couldn't of taken someone less deserving. I cursed the doctors and hospitals that couldn't help her in the end. Resented all of the people who were at her funeral with bleeding hearts, but had never been there for her before. I was among the few people who stayed up late massaging her pain stricken feet, or talking on the phone with her when there was no one else around. Many people did these things too, but not everyone. I thought of them as hypocrites, undeserving of any types of memories of her.
Slowly but surely, the immaturity and sadness melted away, and what resulted was the realization that being bitter towards unpreventable events was simply too tiring. She would never want me to be around lollygagging and constantly thinking about her being around. She'd want me to live as best I possibly could.
One day I simply decided I'd only think of her in happiness. Of all the wonderful times we spent together and all the unforgettable memories we made together. All the lessons and love she has given me over the years will be forever etched into my soul, and her spirit will always be alive inside my heart.
With all this said, this previous year has come and gone roughly. I've had to give up so much in return for what seems like very little. I value the good things in life (or try to at least). But June is always the hardest. I will always see it as a time to look back at the year and see exactly what I have done. I look back at this year and decide that I've pretty much just screwed up haha. But it's okay, because if Nay Nay was here she'd probably be stressed as hell, but we'd end up laughing at the irony of everything that's happening. She always knew how to lighten the mood.
So to my darling aunt, I miss you so. And this is the month you bid us goodbye some time ago, and though it has brought me down in the past, I'll try my very hardest to make this month like any other. In your memory. Perhaps try to make it even happier. Whenever I begin to feel my hope fall, I will think of the inside jokes we shared. Your inspiring smile and gentle pats on my back, telling me, "sis, everything will be alright." I'll hold close the cousin you have given me, that I see as a brother and I know will always be there for me. As I with him. I find solace in the beautiful reality that you have left me with such a great friend, and through that great friend I have gained such inspiration in the form of a baby. I'll never give up on them. Because I know you never would. I always just try to do what I think you would've wanted.
So though it tugs at my heart strings, I have to continue to keep letting you go. You'll never completely slip away, but sometimes thoughts of you weigh heavy on my heart. I can never move on if I can't learn to see you as a string of memories. You are no longer my aunt, but the spirit who watches over me. And i love you.