Pearl of the Stars

The same sun
The same night sky
The same grass under our feet and the same rain beating down
Drives to work or late night rides
Midday phone calls and countless thoughts
Together yet so far apart

Only touching in dreams
Your fingers going through my hair and our bodies pressed close
Lost in an eternity that's only found while we sleep
But only if we could get lost together in these same made up stories

In some twisted way it seems like even the gods of slumber want to tear us apart

And what if you were close enough for me to touch?
Would you stand there and let me rub your cheek, or simply shy away?
Could I bring a smile to your face, or would it be a mere disappointment? 

All of these are amongst the thoughts I think when I imagine you next to me...
In the end all of these insecurities are worthless
Compared to my wanting to be with you.

It's like wanting to drink from the fountain of youth
One spends so long to find it, and once they do they're torn
Do I drink and enjoy immortality
Or do I grow old, ripen with age, and see my kids take over the tasks I used to do?

The fountain of youth is like you and me
We're separated by what is and what could be
Desperately wanting to drink, but afraid of the consequences

But in the end, what will we do?
Take the plunge together, stuck in immortality
Or walk away from the sparkling water, in recognition of its mystery and power?

It's a conundrum of the far away lover
In pain, because dreams show what one cannot have
Breaking down when eyes are open
For all you can think about is how it would be if the other was beside you

Years may pass by
Situations change

Like a sailor at sea, the tides will come and go
Perhaps ripping us to shreds in the process
But eventually we will reach the land that we are looking for

Even though destiny is deeply inclined to keep us apart
Coming up with her schemes time and time again,
The ship called fate will eventually bring us together

And the fountain of youth's ripples will settle
To show the only magical potion we ever needed.

Each other.

Bittersweet

Floating on moonlight
Drifting out of what is real and what could be
Caught up in all the wonder and glory of this tremulous set of emotions
Free yet caught, loose and constructed
There we danced, void of all criticisms and expectations
The worry melting off our minds and physical limitations burning from our bodies
We swayed amongst the stars in denial of the lives ahead and behind
Only caught up with what was within, and in one another.
The rapid wind sent me up, and caressed my soul in such a way I could never bruise
Carried my body up and away so that it would remain untainted
Then it brought you down in a way that caused thoughts to flutter
And your mind to muster up the butterflies that could never be found before
While I'm being tossed by the rain and caught by the wind,
You lie there and watch this magic, the exhilaration upon my face, the joy in my heart
You turn in circles and let the weather take you away, close to me
So that you can radiate in my waves of completeness and lack of composure.
There we danced, lost in the music of the night and lights of the sky
Embraced in a never ending waltz of insecurity
Secure in each others' arms
Then the moon began to frown and all of our unforgettable emotions began to drown
We were being torn away from one another, the wind and night and stars wanting so desperately to keep us apart
With what strength was left from the glorious dancing
With whatever we could muster up
After having been worn down from being weightless and carefree
The realities of our love are brought to focus
Pressures the size of earthquakes,
Worries the width of hundred year old oaks
Although all of these passions are against our own
The winds and the moon
The brightly lit stars and old, wise oaks
Though the earthquakes are breaking us down and the enormous power pushing us apart
We find our other halves, on uneven foot and stumbling step
And we embrace one another, shattered, but complete within each others' arm
Dancing amongst the rocks and grass that cover the ground
Heavy and troubled, but far to afraid to be apart
Far to afraid of the possibility of unhappiness without the other
There we continued to dance
The moon smiled down at us and the stars shown down light.
Patterns of our weather-torn love inflicted amongst the night
Floating on moonlight
Drifting out of what is real and what could be
Caught up in all the wonder and glory of this tremulous set of emotion

Awake My Soul

The trees were thick with new spring buds,
Hitting the man as he walked along the hidden trail
He strolled along wondering, if this was reality or if he was still in a dream.
The dream he always had, of going and going, never arriving anywhere significant, and never leaving a place worth mentioning.

Every day he would walk along this lonely trail.
No people, no animals, no civilization.
Just man and the wide open air, free to do what he wanted, when he wanted.
But he didn't. He'd walk...and walk. Bound by invisible strings.

So this puppet would continue down this trail of what is expected.
Then one day he came upon a fork in the path, identical.
But which one would he take? How could he know where either went?
There plastered was a sign, "Once you choose, you cannot come back."

He stood there, breathing heavily and looking somewhere inside of himself for the answer.
But there was nothing there, no answer. Just emptiness.
There was no one there to tell him what to do.

So what is a man to do when faced with a decision that holds unknown consequences?
What any other person would do
He closed his eyes and asked an invisable person for an answer, pleaded for a response.
Out of the underbush came a woman. She grabbed his hand and said, "Come this way, my darling. You will find that in which you seek."

And the puppet followed.

Down the left trail they went, hand in hand, walking along briskly.
As the trail continued it widened into a road, lined with dead trees and broken hopes.
The lady began to chuckle, tugging at the man's hand harder and harder.
And the puppet simply continued to walk beside her, for he'd rather be in a land where anything wonderful was lost with her, opposed to the possibility of walking alone infinitely 

It was not until it was far too late that the man saw his mistake
Walking along this barren piece of countryside, he realized he could never be happy here
Even with human interaction right beside him.
With this realization the man was whisked days back in time, until he had returned to the fork in the trail.

Without hesitation, the man walked down the right-handed trail.
He found himself walking and walking...no different then before.
The surroundings were the same luscious spring trees
The dirt path was slightly hidden from wear and tear.

A clearing was visible just beyond the trail, and that is where the man went
Simply because there was no other way to go
Beyond the clearing was a cliff, over looking a large lake. And on the other side of that lake was normality.
It was his 9-5 job, his wife laying in his arms as they fell asleep, and their kids jumping in after bad dreams.
His dog that had to be walked every morning and night
His email and voice mails that were constantly being checked.
Across that lake was this puppet's comfort and regularity.

But how could he get there? He couldn't go around
And when he turned around to go back, he found that there was nothing left.
No trails or trees, no wear and tear or odd woman coming from nowhere.
All that was left was a ledge like the one behind, and a view of his life stretched out in front of him.

So here this puppet stood
On an island of indecision and difficult choices
Tormented by the one thing in which he longed for the most
But would this journey continue, or would he stand on this island until the end of his time?

He collapsed to his knees, the strings giving slack to allow this breakdown.
And the poor little puppet cried and screamed. Screamed for rationality and his society.
He did not want to stand on his own
And begged the puppet master to pick him up and guide him in the right direction.

But the strings did not move, they remained.
An obvious sign that the master no longer knew what to do.
Or had made the choice that this man was to remain alone
With his loves and life mere miles from reach.

All of us are just waiting to live. Waiting and waiting...
Very few are living to die. As contradictory that sounds,
Optimism and pessimism mixed into an ironic shake,
Too many would have remained on this island of loneliness and safety...waiting and waiting. 

As the man lifted himself off the ground, he pondered how long he'd be waiting.
How long would society keep slack in his strings, how long would it take for change?

With that thought on his mind and sudden courage in his heart,
The man hurled himself over the ledge of the cliff, falling down into unknown waters
And although he knew not what laid in store, death or life
He was finely freed of his puppet strings.

He was finely living to die.

Someone Like You

Walking down this road, with nothing but the shoes on my feet and clothes on my back
There's a light up ahead, then again it could be my imagiation
My feet get into a rhythm, carrying my body towards the flickering safety
But my mind and spirit are somewhere far, far away.

They're still wrapped up in those sleepless nights, eyes and thoughts heavy
Intermingled with someone's dreams, for there is no more dreaming at night
They're still walking beside you
Tugging at a hand that cannot be grasped and eyes that wont be caught again

And although my mind is straining and my spirit breaking
I will not be controlled.
Constrained in all of our memories and empty promises.
For when my soul is weak, my body is not. And it continues to carry me

When the light is reached, two people are reunited
It is not you and I, but the person I was with you, and the one I am without you.
Only at this moment, do I see myself being freed from your side.
I am now more then somebody's shadow

My spirit and mind, those weaknesses inside of me that were trying desperately for your approval
Are now past your high expectations and insecure waiting 
The part of me that could not accept a life without you, has overcome
In giving up on you, I have found myself again.


I look forward to eternity and realize I could never be with someone like you.
For in the end, I cannot simply stand in the darkness of my other half.
I need someone who will send for me by candlelight.
Relighting the flame again again, no matter how much time, fuel, or matches it may take. 





 

Attraversiamo

So much has changed since my last post, and I repeatedly have said that I was going to blog everyday. My last excuse for not following through was the fact I lived at a place with no internet. Not the case now.
Surprise, Surprise, my first attempt at being on my own failed. The relationship I thought was the last one I'd ever be in has ended. And for what? I was going to move to New York. I was hell bent and stubborn, with a hidden train ticket under my bed and a stash of cash in a lock box. I gave up some friendships, a love, and hurt some people close to me in order to follow my dreams.
In the end, I'm staying in California. Because who wants to be 3000 miles away from home if something bad were to happen in the family? It's breaking my heart to stay, but my heart would be even more broken if I went and something happened here. One day my time will come. One day.
Now I'm in the awkward stage of living in between two phases of my life. Only four months ago (wow has it been that long?) I was living with my "second family" and falling into the comfortable relationship stereotype quite nicely. Now, I'm just a stupid young girl trying to find a place again. It's not bad. Not bad at all. Honestly, not knowing what's going to happen and not making any huge plans is...a breath of fresh air.
As for the relationship topic...ah. I announced that I was to stay single for a year (along with the announcement about my huge move) to simply prove that I was moving to New York for myself, and not a man. Now that I'm staying in California, if someone is to fall into my lap, I might just let them. But this time, my heart wont be given away so easily.
The only thing I regret losing these past few months is my second family. I miss them and don't really know why things are the way they are or how things have gotten so bad...but you must take the cards the game of life deals you. And I am. My sincere hope is that one day, the clouds will clear and I'll see my mistake. Things may never be the same, but I just want a little back of what I've now lost.
Almost everything I've ever written ends with me saying something about growing up. But now that I've done some growing these past few months, I've pondered the ultimate question: does a person ever grow up? Or do we just keep growing and growing. Getting older and older. Then when it's time for us to pass, we look back and say....I wanna grow up.
So, this post is ending with two simple statements. First off, I for sure am going to post more. About what? No idea, but I'll try to keep things interesting! Haha =)
Secondly, I'm tired of trying to grow up. Now all I want to do is cross over from the Brit that was to the Brit that is. Then one day I'll cross over the the Brit that will be...Until next time.