Seems 2011 has hit pretty hard. I'm not sure if it was the whole "it's a brand new year" or the fact adulthood as thrown cold water over my head. I've been on my own for a few months now, sure, but all of a sudden...I'm saying to myself "Well shit Brittany, what the hell are you doing with your life?" I guess you could say I had a revelation of some sort. Like what you would watch in a movie or read in a book. Going back to "adulthood threw cold water over my head"...it'd be more accurate to conclude that it bitch-slapped me while I was down. Haha.
I was driving somewhere shortly after my 19th birthday. If I recall it was sometime before I started my new job, so must've been before school too. Where and why I was going somewhere alone I have no idea, seeing as Kenny is always with me. Or someone is always with me...(believe me, "me" or "alone" time is a thing of the past.)
I started thinking back to all the dreams I used to have. Dreams of going off to college, or ignoring the accepted way of life and letting my existance snow-ball into couch hopping and traveling. I was going to live life high and mighty, loving others little and avoiding attachments so that I could only be free. I had dreams of maybe staying in school for a decade, then graduating and just laying low for a while. Had dreams of the peace corps and writing books. Moving to Seattle or maybe New York City. Perhaps going to school and falling in love with my future husband. Having a little family and doing the 9-5 job thing. Or maybe I'd be that bitchy independent woman who raised children on her own. Adopted children of course. Refusing to let a man into her life.
Honestly I always saw myself as living my life high, then settling down with children and no man. Dependent on only myself and giving all of my affection and love to kids.
When I was three years old, I told my mom I wanted to teach at John Hopkins. A week later I told her I wanted to be a garbage man. When I reflect back on this scenario, I have to remind myself that shit changes.
So the reality is I never went away to school. I never went to a big city and doubt I'll be spending a decade in school to earn a doctorate degree. The Peace Corps will never be apart of my life and I'm never going to be the strong independent woman I deemed myself, alone yet happy. I'm not loving little and believe me, I've got some major attachments. Books may still be a possibility, perhaps even the 9-5 job is even in my future.
The only regret I have in the love department is the fact I've met the elusive one (at least I think? who knows) at such a young age. I sure as hell never thought I would at 17, let alone fall in love with my best friend. Now on top of juggling the hells of college and trying to move into my own apartment, I have to fit into my schedule another person altogether. Will marriage be soon? It's a good possibility. (But please, I'm not even engaged. He's shy. Haha. It'll at least be another couple years.) Am I going to end up having a kid before I've graduated from college? It's a good possibility. But I'd never do it unless my husband and I were financially independent and stable. Time keepsa tickin' and life dont wait. Sorry to all those people who believe I should wait ten years. I wanna be around for my grandbabies to be born. =)
Anyways, all of these things sporadically went through my brain in what seem like a millisecond. And again I thought "What the hell?" I thought of the dreams I've given up and had a moment of hmm....self-pity? Haha which is a rarity for me. I thought of myself as a failure, a lagger, waster-of-life. Whatever you want to call it.
Then I thought of the things I have now. A wonderful boyfriend, closer relationships to my family members than I've ever had before, and a support system of few friends that I hold close. I don't live at home and I don't take advantage. I work for those things I have to pay for and work in exchange for some other bills. I go to school full-time and study hard for my future. I'm declaring a double major of technical theater arts and business administration with an empahsis in entrepreneurship. I have a new home, marriage, graduation, kids, and life to look forward too.
In that moment, I realized I've never really given up on any of my dreams. I've just replaced them with better ones.
I was driving somewhere shortly after my 19th birthday. If I recall it was sometime before I started my new job, so must've been before school too. Where and why I was going somewhere alone I have no idea, seeing as Kenny is always with me. Or someone is always with me...(believe me, "me" or "alone" time is a thing of the past.)
I started thinking back to all the dreams I used to have. Dreams of going off to college, or ignoring the accepted way of life and letting my existance snow-ball into couch hopping and traveling. I was going to live life high and mighty, loving others little and avoiding attachments so that I could only be free. I had dreams of maybe staying in school for a decade, then graduating and just laying low for a while. Had dreams of the peace corps and writing books. Moving to Seattle or maybe New York City. Perhaps going to school and falling in love with my future husband. Having a little family and doing the 9-5 job thing. Or maybe I'd be that bitchy independent woman who raised children on her own. Adopted children of course. Refusing to let a man into her life.
Honestly I always saw myself as living my life high, then settling down with children and no man. Dependent on only myself and giving all of my affection and love to kids.
When I was three years old, I told my mom I wanted to teach at John Hopkins. A week later I told her I wanted to be a garbage man. When I reflect back on this scenario, I have to remind myself that shit changes.
So the reality is I never went away to school. I never went to a big city and doubt I'll be spending a decade in school to earn a doctorate degree. The Peace Corps will never be apart of my life and I'm never going to be the strong independent woman I deemed myself, alone yet happy. I'm not loving little and believe me, I've got some major attachments. Books may still be a possibility, perhaps even the 9-5 job is even in my future.
The only regret I have in the love department is the fact I've met the elusive one (at least I think? who knows) at such a young age. I sure as hell never thought I would at 17, let alone fall in love with my best friend. Now on top of juggling the hells of college and trying to move into my own apartment, I have to fit into my schedule another person altogether. Will marriage be soon? It's a good possibility. (But please, I'm not even engaged. He's shy. Haha. It'll at least be another couple years.) Am I going to end up having a kid before I've graduated from college? It's a good possibility. But I'd never do it unless my husband and I were financially independent and stable. Time keepsa tickin' and life dont wait. Sorry to all those people who believe I should wait ten years. I wanna be around for my grandbabies to be born. =)
Anyways, all of these things sporadically went through my brain in what seem like a millisecond. And again I thought "What the hell?" I thought of the dreams I've given up and had a moment of hmm....self-pity? Haha which is a rarity for me. I thought of myself as a failure, a lagger, waster-of-life. Whatever you want to call it.
Then I thought of the things I have now. A wonderful boyfriend, closer relationships to my family members than I've ever had before, and a support system of few friends that I hold close. I don't live at home and I don't take advantage. I work for those things I have to pay for and work in exchange for some other bills. I go to school full-time and study hard for my future. I'm declaring a double major of technical theater arts and business administration with an empahsis in entrepreneurship. I have a new home, marriage, graduation, kids, and life to look forward too.
In that moment, I realized I've never really given up on any of my dreams. I've just replaced them with better ones.
