do you ever lie in bed for hours? You know, in that phase between awake and asleep? And there's so much on your mind it feels like your brain might just explode and electrocute itself like foil in a microwave?
My advice, write. Get all those thoughts out. So that there's some space in your brain for all Those wonderful dreams of yours. Well...my dreams have been taking on a zombie theme as of late...but that's a whole other blog all together.
Sometimes I write to my dead aunt. Or my estranged father. Usually it's not even about them, it's about random thoughts I have. But the good thing? I know they'll never read it.
But then there's the times I write letters to people that I do talk to. Or some that are in my past, but that one day I might talk to again. These are usually the ones I end up tossing in the trash. I'm always afraid one day I'll get the guts to put them in the mail.
So I laid in bed tonight for four hours. Yes. You read that right. I laid here for 240 minutes with only a few thoughts running through my head.
I'm not going to post who or what those were about. (hey, I gotta keep some things private after all!) But I did end up writing a little something.
I closed my eyes and imagined I was writing and all my thoughts were out of my mind
The words were stepping stones to a pond I could unleash my thoughts into.
One by one I watched them as they swam away; some went under deep rocks, others lingered on the surface, and some came to shore and laid down beside me.
And I laid back to look into a sky of rhymes. Where blues and whites were no Longer space and fluff, but irony and whimsy.
I saw things that made me laugh, things that made me cry.
I felt my hands tremble with anger an my eyes widen with despair.
My thoughts began to wind around me me. Suffocating, loosening, embracing.
Oh, the sweet embrace.
All of the words come together into a beautiful story. They flowed from one page to the other, and I find myself on the edge of my seat, wishing that this story would last forever...
But they never do, do they? My beautiful pond will dry up...my clouds will loose their luster as they conform to the sky...my bed of grass will soon become twisted and pale with the burning sun...
But here I lay, with my thoughts around me. Staring into a forever which must come to an end.
I'm reassured by drops of a rain.
A sigh. A stretch. Eyes closing...
And here I fall asleep. Wrapped up in the warm thoughts I still keep hidden from night thinking...below a cleansing storm.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Ramble, ramble, ramble.
I know my blog is a menagerie of things. Sometimes poems, sometimes stories. Sometimes just venting. Not sure if I've ever done a ramble...lol :)
So, everyday at work I usually have about a two hour lull. That means, ii basically don't have shit to do! Which irritates me to no end. I've tried I listen to the radio to pass the time but it actually makes it drag by slower. And then I started thinking. That's right thinking.
I started thinking so that I wouldn't be bored. And hey, it worked!
But sometimes, like tonight for example, I'm thinking about all the wrong things. Things that make me sad, things that make me angry, and things that I have no emotion to whatsoever.
I was thinking of an old friend of mine. I've written about them before on this blog. We're not friends anymore. But for the past six? Seven? Eight? Months they've been on my mind. So I sat here tonight an wondered...why haven't I ever tried to reach out to them? Is it my pride? Is it because it's been so Long there would be nothing to say?
One of my friends says not to talk to them, while another encourages me to do so. My fiancé has threatened to contact them himself if I don't. But I can't bring myself to do it....
And then I think of someone I've tried to accept into my life. One that I've kept my mouth shut about and turned the other cheek multiple times. All to keep the peace. And guess what they did? They through it in my face! Like the one scene in never been kissed when teenager drew Barrymore gets an egg to her face while in her prom dress. And how bad do I want to call this person up and scream? Or go to their door and make a scene? But I don't, I just sit here and think of all the things I want to say to them...
I love you and want you back in my life. Some days even when I have someone to turn to, I want to talk to you. I want you to tell me to man up and that it could be worse.
I want to tell you that, despite the fact that I don't like you, I truly tried. I tried to embrace you even though my heart didn't want to. I gave you chance after chance, but one girl can only take so much for so long...
And in all the irony of these mixed emotions, these two people are actually tangled up of sorts. Theyre different ages, different social groups, completely different lives. But they once knew one another. And one warned me about the other.
Is that you up there, God? Sending me a sign by making me think these thoughts at the same time? Is it coincidence? Why can't you just tell me what to do, what to say? Can't you just make me stopping missing one and stop being hurt and resentful towards the other....
And can you take away this hypnotizing, think-inducing view?
Without the fences and computers, I may actually be content...
So, everyday at work I usually have about a two hour lull. That means, ii basically don't have shit to do! Which irritates me to no end. I've tried I listen to the radio to pass the time but it actually makes it drag by slower. And then I started thinking. That's right thinking.
I started thinking so that I wouldn't be bored. And hey, it worked!
But sometimes, like tonight for example, I'm thinking about all the wrong things. Things that make me sad, things that make me angry, and things that I have no emotion to whatsoever.
I was thinking of an old friend of mine. I've written about them before on this blog. We're not friends anymore. But for the past six? Seven? Eight? Months they've been on my mind. So I sat here tonight an wondered...why haven't I ever tried to reach out to them? Is it my pride? Is it because it's been so Long there would be nothing to say?
One of my friends says not to talk to them, while another encourages me to do so. My fiancé has threatened to contact them himself if I don't. But I can't bring myself to do it....
And then I think of someone I've tried to accept into my life. One that I've kept my mouth shut about and turned the other cheek multiple times. All to keep the peace. And guess what they did? They through it in my face! Like the one scene in never been kissed when teenager drew Barrymore gets an egg to her face while in her prom dress. And how bad do I want to call this person up and scream? Or go to their door and make a scene? But I don't, I just sit here and think of all the things I want to say to them...
I love you and want you back in my life. Some days even when I have someone to turn to, I want to talk to you. I want you to tell me to man up and that it could be worse.
I want to tell you that, despite the fact that I don't like you, I truly tried. I tried to embrace you even though my heart didn't want to. I gave you chance after chance, but one girl can only take so much for so long...
And in all the irony of these mixed emotions, these two people are actually tangled up of sorts. Theyre different ages, different social groups, completely different lives. But they once knew one another. And one warned me about the other.
Is that you up there, God? Sending me a sign by making me think these thoughts at the same time? Is it coincidence? Why can't you just tell me what to do, what to say? Can't you just make me stopping missing one and stop being hurt and resentful towards the other....
And can you take away this hypnotizing, think-inducing view?
Without the fences and computers, I may actually be content...
Monday, June 18, 2012
Weeds in the flower bed
It seems like the good people in life take the longest to get ahead, while the bad ones over ride everybody else. Life, in this case, is like a flower bed.
The weeds grow the fastest, and sometimes can blend right into their surroundings.
Flowers have to push their Way up through the soil, usually live in tremulous conditions with fragile petals, and still have to looks beautiful.
The difference between weeds and flowers, are weeds get plucked up for being ugly and suffocating everything around them.
While flowers are left alone, to blossom bigger and bigger every year, bringing smiles and beauty to the people around them.
Await your time to blossom. The weeds will get thrown away!
This is my way of venting. I've always been someone to constantly speak my mind, but as I've grown into adulthood I've learned to keep my mouth shut. But, believe me, I'm getting to my breaking point and weeding is IN my NEAR future!
The weeds grow the fastest, and sometimes can blend right into their surroundings.
Flowers have to push their Way up through the soil, usually live in tremulous conditions with fragile petals, and still have to looks beautiful.
The difference between weeds and flowers, are weeds get plucked up for being ugly and suffocating everything around them.
While flowers are left alone, to blossom bigger and bigger every year, bringing smiles and beauty to the people around them.
Await your time to blossom. The weeds will get thrown away!
This is my way of venting. I've always been someone to constantly speak my mind, but as I've grown into adulthood I've learned to keep my mouth shut. But, believe me, I'm getting to my breaking point and weeding is IN my NEAR future!
Friday, June 15, 2012
Queries for Bliss
If you're up there with the angels, will you send me a sign?
Will you make the sun shine a little brighter today,
Make the day seem a little less sad?
Can you wake me up with a smile today, with a fleeting thought of you?
Can you sit with me while I drive to work, see me all the way through?
Were you standing next to me at your funeral?
Was that your hand I thought I felt?
I thought I saw you walking the other day,
But when I turned there was nobody there.
Was that you on the other side, without pain, loss, or care?
Do you miss us all down here, or have you already forgot?
I'm not sure what thought is worse:
That I'll never see you in this life, or that you wont remember me in the next
If you're up there with the angels, is it what we imagined it'd be?
Do you have your favorite things and people,
Or was it always a fantasy?
Do you look down on us and wish you were still here,
Or that we were up there with you?
Are you able to let go of your troubles, or do you just get more as life comes to halt.
Do you think of the things you missed out on, or the ones that you held close?
Do you look at us from the sky, or do you see us face to face?
Or do you not get to see us at all, just in memories?
Do the years passing get easier for you?
Are you still able to cry, up there?
Do you see the wet pillows in my room at night?
Do you ever see me spaced out in thoughts of you?
When I'm pissed from the day, and wish you were here,
Do you sit beside me to listen to me vent?
Did you ever sit next to me when I took in the news..
The news that this time you werent coming back?
Or were you already on to the next best thing?
If you're up there with the angels, do you still think of me?
Is making the rain and painting the rainbows take up to much of your time?
Do you sleep and dream of me still, shake up the snowglobe of a world I'm still in?
Are you keeping a list up there?
Of people you want to welcome in?
Did I make the list?
And ,while I hope I have a while to go, remember be.
Let there be somewhere we may embrace again.
Will you make the sun shine a little brighter today,
Make the day seem a little less sad?
Can you wake me up with a smile today, with a fleeting thought of you?
Can you sit with me while I drive to work, see me all the way through?
Were you standing next to me at your funeral?
Was that your hand I thought I felt?
I thought I saw you walking the other day,
But when I turned there was nobody there.
Was that you on the other side, without pain, loss, or care?
Do you miss us all down here, or have you already forgot?
I'm not sure what thought is worse:
That I'll never see you in this life, or that you wont remember me in the next
If you're up there with the angels, is it what we imagined it'd be?
Do you have your favorite things and people,
Or was it always a fantasy?
Do you look down on us and wish you were still here,
Or that we were up there with you?
Are you able to let go of your troubles, or do you just get more as life comes to halt.
Do you think of the things you missed out on, or the ones that you held close?
Do you look at us from the sky, or do you see us face to face?
Or do you not get to see us at all, just in memories?
Do the years passing get easier for you?
Are you still able to cry, up there?
Do you see the wet pillows in my room at night?
Do you ever see me spaced out in thoughts of you?
When I'm pissed from the day, and wish you were here,
Do you sit beside me to listen to me vent?
Did you ever sit next to me when I took in the news..
The news that this time you werent coming back?
Or were you already on to the next best thing?
If you're up there with the angels, do you still think of me?
Is making the rain and painting the rainbows take up to much of your time?
Do you sleep and dream of me still, shake up the snowglobe of a world I'm still in?
Are you keeping a list up there?
Of people you want to welcome in?
Did I make the list?
And ,while I hope I have a while to go, remember be.
Let there be somewhere we may embrace again.
Letter to Old Friends
NOTE: I WROTE THIS ABOUT A MONTH BACK.
A Book I Must Finish.
I know its been awhile since I've written guys, sorry about that. I've been writing some on my own, but lately I've been too caught up in work and the stress of life to get my lazy ass on this computer and write. I do have a few things on my personal laptop, which inconveniantly has NO internet access. So sorry in advance for that, I'll try to get some more blogs up soon...better yet I might just transfer some random writing from notebooks and old notes in my computer to this blog....not a bad idea.
Anyways, the purpose of this post isnt to wow anyone with my amazing writing abilities....haha just kidding. About the writing abilities, I'm not some pompous ass.
No, guys, this is to put a chapter, or I'd call it a book, behind me for good.
The last year or so I've been struggling with the loss of a couple of friends of mine. I considered them like my family. The siblings I never had. (Please note that I do in fact HAVE siblings, they are just significantly younger then me.) When I say loss, I don't mean that they passed away. I would never want to give a false impression of that magnitude. What I mean is that we simply...stopped being friends.
We never got in a fight. We never told each other to go screw off. We never even said any goodbyes...we kind of just. Fell apart...
Don't you hate when that happens? When there is an aprubt ending to such a great time in your life? When something you thought would last forever comes screeching to a halt? I know many people will relate this to a relationship that has gone sour, but I find it more stabbing when it happens with friendships.
For privacy issues, I'm not going to say any names or any personal information about these two people. I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm starting up drama or ruffling up some old dust in the closet. I just need closure. I've tried to talk it out with other friends of mine and that hasn't worked. So what is a girl to do when talking doesn't help? Write of course.
So here is a good bye letter to my lost friends.
Dear _____,
It's been awhile, hasn't it? It's times like these that I want to text you, call you, or just show up at your door and ask you, how've you been? How're you holding up and how's life been treating you? I remember when we couldn't go a couple days without talking. Hell, we couldn't go even a whole SINGLE day without talking. And now here we are, pretty much a year later and we haven't spoken at all.
I still think about all the great times we had together. Sitting up talking all night about nothing and everything. How we'd sit outside and look up at the stars looking for UFOS and god only knows what lol. The countless shitty scary movies we watched, because we were always willing to give any movie a shot. I think back to all the laughs we shared and memories we made. The holidays and inside jokes we shared.
I think about all the hard times you got me through and all the demons you helped me to fight. And I hope I was able to help you in some way through your hard times and rough memories, if even it was only once. I really, genuinly, cared. It was never an act.
And, I want to say I'm sorry. Some people tell me that friends fall apart, and others have told me it's all a process of growing up. Losing friends. But if I hurt either of you in anyway, I apologize. After we stopped contacting each other, I let my pride get in the way. And now it's been so long, I don't even know what I would say or how I would say it..
But most of all I want to thank you. Thank you for being some of the best friends I ever had and giving me some of the best memories I've ever shared with a pair of people. To this day, I still tell my fiance about you two and how much joy you use to bring to my life. Thank you for being there for me even when I was being a heinous bitch, and loving me through all the "ugly times." You taught me how to be myself, and be happy with it...you guys don't know how much that meant and means to me.
At the conclusion of this letter, it's so hard for me to say goodbye. My heart is heavy with the words that I don't want to say. Just know, you guys are always welcome back into my life, if you decide one day that there is room for me in yours. But for now, I'll just say goodbye to the computer screen. Maybe one day this letter will end up on your guys' end.
-Brit
A Book I Must Finish.
I know its been awhile since I've written guys, sorry about that. I've been writing some on my own, but lately I've been too caught up in work and the stress of life to get my lazy ass on this computer and write. I do have a few things on my personal laptop, which inconveniantly has NO internet access. So sorry in advance for that, I'll try to get some more blogs up soon...better yet I might just transfer some random writing from notebooks and old notes in my computer to this blog....not a bad idea.
Anyways, the purpose of this post isnt to wow anyone with my amazing writing abilities....haha just kidding. About the writing abilities, I'm not some pompous ass.
No, guys, this is to put a chapter, or I'd call it a book, behind me for good.
The last year or so I've been struggling with the loss of a couple of friends of mine. I considered them like my family. The siblings I never had. (Please note that I do in fact HAVE siblings, they are just significantly younger then me.) When I say loss, I don't mean that they passed away. I would never want to give a false impression of that magnitude. What I mean is that we simply...stopped being friends.
We never got in a fight. We never told each other to go screw off. We never even said any goodbyes...we kind of just. Fell apart...
Don't you hate when that happens? When there is an aprubt ending to such a great time in your life? When something you thought would last forever comes screeching to a halt? I know many people will relate this to a relationship that has gone sour, but I find it more stabbing when it happens with friendships.
For privacy issues, I'm not going to say any names or any personal information about these two people. I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm starting up drama or ruffling up some old dust in the closet. I just need closure. I've tried to talk it out with other friends of mine and that hasn't worked. So what is a girl to do when talking doesn't help? Write of course.
So here is a good bye letter to my lost friends.
Dear _____,
It's been awhile, hasn't it? It's times like these that I want to text you, call you, or just show up at your door and ask you, how've you been? How're you holding up and how's life been treating you? I remember when we couldn't go a couple days without talking. Hell, we couldn't go even a whole SINGLE day without talking. And now here we are, pretty much a year later and we haven't spoken at all.
I still think about all the great times we had together. Sitting up talking all night about nothing and everything. How we'd sit outside and look up at the stars looking for UFOS and god only knows what lol. The countless shitty scary movies we watched, because we were always willing to give any movie a shot. I think back to all the laughs we shared and memories we made. The holidays and inside jokes we shared.
I think about all the hard times you got me through and all the demons you helped me to fight. And I hope I was able to help you in some way through your hard times and rough memories, if even it was only once. I really, genuinly, cared. It was never an act.
And, I want to say I'm sorry. Some people tell me that friends fall apart, and others have told me it's all a process of growing up. Losing friends. But if I hurt either of you in anyway, I apologize. After we stopped contacting each other, I let my pride get in the way. And now it's been so long, I don't even know what I would say or how I would say it..
But most of all I want to thank you. Thank you for being some of the best friends I ever had and giving me some of the best memories I've ever shared with a pair of people. To this day, I still tell my fiance about you two and how much joy you use to bring to my life. Thank you for being there for me even when I was being a heinous bitch, and loving me through all the "ugly times." You taught me how to be myself, and be happy with it...you guys don't know how much that meant and means to me.
At the conclusion of this letter, it's so hard for me to say goodbye. My heart is heavy with the words that I don't want to say. Just know, you guys are always welcome back into my life, if you decide one day that there is room for me in yours. But for now, I'll just say goodbye to the computer screen. Maybe one day this letter will end up on your guys' end.
-Brit
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Another year, Another lesson?
So, my birthday is always somewhat uneventful. It comes right after the festivities of Christmas and the bringing of the new year. I can't look back and think about the last year, seeing as I did that last year. And I don't look forward to it like I used to when I was "a child." Especially this year. This big 2.0. Now I'm "officially" out of the teen years (by 12 minutues :p)
I wanted to write a post on new years night, but my fiance forced me to go to bed. Tonight, he's distracted by one of his many video games, and here I am, debating on what to blog about and singing along with music on Youtube.
The last few weeks, I've been contemplating my life a lot. I look back now and am a little disappointed in myself. Rather, very disapointed; because I've found that I haven't really accomplished anything in life. A 5th of my life (and that's being optimistic) has flown past me and I have no mark on the world to show for it.
I was watching a commercial the other night, and the man said something about not making your dreams real, therefore the world can never see them and you haven't left something behind of yourself to remembered.
Well, as of right now, there's not much of me left behind to remember. So let it be known now, If I'm gone tomorrow (hey, anything can happen, but hopefully it doesn't, lol!!), that I loved my family, my fiance, and to write. And someday, my mark will be made for people to remember me by in the future. :)
Now, off to get my birthday kiss from the great Charles! Until another day soon, readers...at least, I think you're reading this...are you?
I wanted to write a post on new years night, but my fiance forced me to go to bed. Tonight, he's distracted by one of his many video games, and here I am, debating on what to blog about and singing along with music on Youtube.
The last few weeks, I've been contemplating my life a lot. I look back now and am a little disappointed in myself. Rather, very disapointed; because I've found that I haven't really accomplished anything in life. A 5th of my life (and that's being optimistic) has flown past me and I have no mark on the world to show for it.
I was watching a commercial the other night, and the man said something about not making your dreams real, therefore the world can never see them and you haven't left something behind of yourself to remembered.
Well, as of right now, there's not much of me left behind to remember. So let it be known now, If I'm gone tomorrow (hey, anything can happen, but hopefully it doesn't, lol!!), that I loved my family, my fiance, and to write. And someday, my mark will be made for people to remember me by in the future. :)
Now, off to get my birthday kiss from the great Charles! Until another day soon, readers...at least, I think you're reading this...are you?
Thursday, December 29, 2011
My Goals of 2012.
1) Get a job!
I mean, seriously, back in highschool I never imagined finding a job would be so difficult. I'd probably be able to create a business that helps qualified applicants find jobs. Haha! My first goal is definitely to make enough money to support myself...and then perhaps have a little money left over ;)
2) Get Married!
I'm so excited to commit myself for a lifetime to a man I'm ridiculously in love with. A love tight ceremony with only family and close friends, my heart always speeds up in anticipation. <3
3) Get my own place!
By January of 2013, if I'm not out on my own (with Charles of course.) I might just fall down and die...well not die. But I'll definitely be kicking myself in the ass.
4)Survive December 21, 2012.
The day that is supposed to end the world as we know it. Do I believe? Not really; but I'm a believer in you can never be too careful. This should be on everyone's New Years Goals list.
5)Start a little side business.
I need a way to let my creative juices flow and make some extra cash. My problem is my mind and hobbies are so varied, its hard to narrow it down.
6)Volunteer More!
I love helping people and animals alike. And with all this extra time on my hands, why am I not helping? If I was down and out I'd want someone to help me. So, I want to volunteer with at least two groups and start an organization of my own. I'm hellbent on this one.
7)Get back into school!
Unless something else in my life seriously takes off. I think I want to go back and get my associates of science in nursing. (Although the free-spirited artsy Brit screams NO!)
8)Lose weight!
Isn't this an ideal for almost everyone every year? Or to at least change something about their body?
9)Write a book!
It's time to actually commit to a concept and run with it. No use being scared at everything in life.
10)Find Religion!
I know this is random, and I think I've "found" religion, I just need to make it a bigger part of me.
Well, I know alot of changes will come next year. I'm not a mind reader. I'm simply a logical individual, and with every year comes loads of change. I just hope this is one of those years I'll be able to successfully fulfill all my goals :)
I mean, seriously, back in highschool I never imagined finding a job would be so difficult. I'd probably be able to create a business that helps qualified applicants find jobs. Haha! My first goal is definitely to make enough money to support myself...and then perhaps have a little money left over ;)
2) Get Married!
I'm so excited to commit myself for a lifetime to a man I'm ridiculously in love with. A love tight ceremony with only family and close friends, my heart always speeds up in anticipation. <3
3) Get my own place!
By January of 2013, if I'm not out on my own (with Charles of course.) I might just fall down and die...well not die. But I'll definitely be kicking myself in the ass.
4)Survive December 21, 2012.
The day that is supposed to end the world as we know it. Do I believe? Not really; but I'm a believer in you can never be too careful. This should be on everyone's New Years Goals list.
5)Start a little side business.
I need a way to let my creative juices flow and make some extra cash. My problem is my mind and hobbies are so varied, its hard to narrow it down.
6)Volunteer More!
I love helping people and animals alike. And with all this extra time on my hands, why am I not helping? If I was down and out I'd want someone to help me. So, I want to volunteer with at least two groups and start an organization of my own. I'm hellbent on this one.
7)Get back into school!
Unless something else in my life seriously takes off. I think I want to go back and get my associates of science in nursing. (Although the free-spirited artsy Brit screams NO!)
8)Lose weight!
Isn't this an ideal for almost everyone every year? Or to at least change something about their body?
9)Write a book!
It's time to actually commit to a concept and run with it. No use being scared at everything in life.
10)Find Religion!
I know this is random, and I think I've "found" religion, I just need to make it a bigger part of me.
Well, I know alot of changes will come next year. I'm not a mind reader. I'm simply a logical individual, and with every year comes loads of change. I just hope this is one of those years I'll be able to successfully fulfill all my goals :)
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